Acknowledging My Mistakes

Why am I trying to fool myself.
I've done what I said I wasn't going to do (talk to my ex) and each conversation is tense as hell.
Throughout text, IM's, and on the phone...it's just so tense.
There's this sense of hostility that I feel between us, and I'm not sure if it's from him or what. What I do know is that it vexes my spirit and immediately upsets me. A mixture of anger, hurt, and confusion pierces my heart whenever I speak to him.
Feeling that way makes me believe that he's doing something he isn't doing, but I don't know if that's really the case. Other than straight out asking him, I wouldn't have a way of knowing whether or not he's back at it.
The biggest emotion mixed within all of the others is the disappointment. I'm disappointed in him for what he did, for breaking my heart into even smaller pieces.
Above that I'm really disappointed in myself for allowing him to still mean as much as he does to me. This hasn't been pleasant, so why am I still concerned? Why am I still giving him chances to get to me...?

Idk.
Makes me feel pretty stupid if I were to tell the truth.

And that makes me pissed off because I recognize who it is that should feel stupid, lowly, and crappy. He's the reason why this happened, but it doesn't come off like he cares...and I think that makes me even more angry.
Knowing that he tore this all down and could care less. The audacity of that behavior.
The nerve to have that type of attitude.

At this moment I'm praying that he is shown the demolition in the wake of his actions. Sometimes people don't realize how hurtful they are until they feel that hurt.
I don't wish bad on him, but I do hope the Lord places it on his heart that he has made many peoples hearts grieve.