Oct 22, 2013

Acknowledging My Mistakes

Why am I trying to fool myself.
I've done what I said I wasn't going to do (talk to my ex) and each conversation is tense as hell.
Throughout text, IM's, and on the phone...it's just so tense.
There's this sense of hostility that I feel between us, and I'm not sure if it's from him or what. What I do know is that it vexes my spirit and immediately upsets me. A mixture of anger, hurt, and confusion pierces my heart whenever I speak to him.
Feeling that way makes me believe that he's doing something he isn't doing, but I don't know if that's really the case. Other than straight out asking him, I wouldn't have a way of knowing whether or not he's back at it.
The biggest emotion mixed within all of the others is the disappointment. I'm disappointed in him for what he did, for breaking my heart into even smaller pieces.
Above that I'm really disappointed in myself for allowing him to still mean as much as he does to me. This hasn't been pleasant, so why am I still concerned? Why am I still giving him chances to get to me...?

Idk.
Makes me feel pretty stupid if I were to tell the truth.

And that makes me pissed off because I recognize who it is that should feel stupid, lowly, and crappy. He's the reason why this happened, but it doesn't come off like he cares...and I think that makes me even more angry.
Knowing that he tore this all down and could care less. The audacity of that behavior.
The nerve to have that type of attitude.

At this moment I'm praying that he is shown the demolition in the wake of his actions. Sometimes people don't realize how hurtful they are until they feel that hurt.
I don't wish bad on him, but I do hope the Lord places it on his heart that he has made many peoples hearts grieve.

Oct 17, 2013

Rough Moment

Every time I log onto my email I have to resist logging onto my ex's account as well. That's been a struggle for awhile seeing that I felt it was necessary to check on what he was doing every hour on the hour. While together I did it often until I realized that it wasn't healthy. For the most part I was beyond successful, only logging on when he knew about it.

My instinct to look and see if he's been cheating is still heavy...and we're not even together. The amount of mistrust I have for him was and still is beyond outrageous...clearly.

I'm gonna fight this with all that I have because I hate feeling this way.

The need to look is so strong it's dang near controlling...almost compulsive. As if I can't relax until I see for myself that everything is the way it should be.

God, I don't want these feelings.

Please, take this away.

Pearls Before Swine

Last night was tough. Before work was over I was holding back tears, waiting to make it to my car. Before I even closed the door, the tears came. In an effort to release some of my feelings I called my ex to express to him how I felt about everything as far as us attempting to still be friends...and as relieving as that was, I was still upset. Of course, being friendless meant that there was no one else to talk to, but I called a woman from church who has always been extremely kind to me. We met up at church and I let go of a lot of confusion. I told her about feeling so alone and not knowing how to deal with that constant pain and awareness of loneliness. She said to me:

A diamond does not need to be surrounded by other gems.
You will rarely see someone set a diamond with other gems because a diamond can stand out on it's own. They're brilliant, they're enough, and they speak for themselves.

She compared me to a diamond saying that being surrounded by anything less than would not be beneficial to me. I look at who I had attempted to hang with, date, and befriend...and I see what she meant. Almost every one of them were into things that would cause me to compromise and step outside of myself...and that's not what God wants from me.
He made me how He did for a reason. There is purpose behind my being.
At this moment He has me where I need to be, as difficult as that is to accept.

I hate being lonely, not having a friend to go to, or do things with.
It really sucks.

He has a plan though. I don't know what it is, but I know that I can trust Him.
That's what I'm going to have to start doing.

Don't Let Grief Settle In

If I were to be absolutely honest, I have been grieving over the loss of numerous aspects in my life. Most recently, a friendship. When we're close to someone we expect to have them around, playing their position, being there through it all for it all. The hole that is created when, for whatever reason, they are removed from our lives can cause unthinkable pain. Right now, and for a little while now, I have been battling to regain my happiness after going through a very deep cutting loss. On my way home tonight a song came on, I thought of how things used to be, and before I knew it, I was trying to cry and drive. After pulling into the garage I couldn't even bring myself to get out of the car I felt so overwhelmed. Eventually I drug myself into the house, up the stairs, and right onto the couch preparing to stay the rest of my night there. While attempting to comfort me, my Ma said "I know this hurts, but think of all the good that will come. Think of all that you already do have."
And of course, me being true to my character, a relating biblical story came to mind.

  After learning the news that his son Joseph was dead from his others sons, Jacob completely broke down. He went into full mourning tearing his clothes and refusing to be comforted by anyone. In fact, he felt his grief was so heavy that he would mourn every single day for the rest of his life, right up to his dying day.
Jacob mourned for Joseph, thinking it was the end of all ends.
“And Jacob rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his loins, and mourned for his son many days;he refused to be comforted; and he said, For I will go down into the grave unto my son mourning. Thus his father wept for him” (Genesis 37:34-45).
 Even though he had over twelve other sons and at least one daughter, Jacob felt as if his life wasn't worth living anymore. He dismissed every thing he knew, stepping outside of what he knew about God, and gave up.
What he didn't know was that Joseph wasn't dead, but was actually in Egypt where the Lord was orchestrating a miracle beyond his comprehension!
Like Jacob, I discounted my many other blessings by allowing my pain to swallow my joy.
Instead of taking people up on their offers to go out, I made the choice to sit in my room alone, looking a mess.
Wallowing in my own misery.

   Looking at the story of Jacob and Joseph reminds me of how I should NOT react, but I still saw a lot of myself in his actions. When we're grieving, even when we can't see good in the future, we can't be like Jacob refusing to be comforted. We have to take comfort in knowing that God is working behind the scenes, because although we can't always see Him work, we KNOW we serve the ultimate Director! He sees not only the entire picture at our time of mourning, but He also sees the ending of each of our stories. He sees the goodness that is coming in the morning.

   From Jacobs account, we know that even through heartbreak, God is working for our good as well as His glory. While it's ok to be sad for awhile through your healing process, do not allow yourself to seep into a pit of sadness, writing off the beautiful joy filled opportunities around you.
Joy arrives in the morning :)

In Christ,
Allie J.

Oct 14, 2013

God is Faithful

Let's just say that in a moment of weakness I may or may not have spoken to a person I shouldn't have been talking to.
In fact, in my loneliness, I had talked myself into hanging out with them tomorrow.
Though I knew it wasn't the best idea and probably would set me back, I was still gonna do it.
But God...He surely knows how to capture your attention.

While on FB someone messaged me and it turned out to be a very refreshing convo...I mean, it was lighthearted and warm. Nothing serious or over the top. Just real.
I'm not going to read into the persons intent because that isn't the important thing right now. What's important is how that conversation made me feel! I felt as if they were interested in what I had to say and wanted to talk to me.
I didn't feel as if I were bugging them or prying information from their lips.
They willingly gave. Freely, unselfishly, happily.

As silly as it may sound, that felt so amazing.
It made me feel cared for.
Like I said before, I doubt that was their intention, but that's what resulted.

Him allowing me to have that type of encounter let me know that I did not need to turn back to what I left. He would provide what I needed when the time that I needed it arrived.
He showed me that I'm worth more and that He isn't the only one who believes so.

The conversation wasn't about my looks, or really even about me at all, but it helped me see me better in this tempting time.

I don't need anything that's going to tear me down...
I don't need to look back or I may fall.


No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1Cor10:13

Oct 13, 2013

Cut It Out

There is no way you can instantly expect for the person who hurt you to wake up one morning soon after and not be hurtful. Selfish ways, hurtful ways...they remain there regardless of what the person says.
It's a lesson you would swear I never learned before.

Gotta stop putting myself in his line of fire.

Oct 11, 2013

Day 2

It's the second day after giving my ex his things back.
Are things better? Yes and no.
I feel better knowing that I won't be done wrong by him again, but this feeling of lonliness is pretty strong. He didn't create it. He simply revealed it when we split.
*sigh* It's Friday and I have nothing to do tonight...absolutely nothing.
People expect for their invitations to "come along" to instantly brighten up your day, and though they are nice, ehh...no thanks. I think most could agree that hanging out with someone and their family is no where near the same as hanging out with someone in the same life phase as you. Going to the movies with your family is different than going to the movies with your friends. And they both differ greatly from going to the movies with a significant other.
Don't understand why people seem to suddenly forget that when they offer...or maybe they aren't forgetting and are simply attempting to make you feel better.
I don't know.
I don't like it though.
You can't really expect a penny to fulfill what a quarter used to.

(Not to say that any of these oh so generous people are pennies...)

It's more so that relationships are different depending on the type and it's getting to be annoying when folks are trying to stuff anything they have in their back pockets in this now empty spot.

It's almost like "Awww...that's so sad! We had three tickets to this show, but if you don't mind sitting between someones legs, we'd be happy to have you join us."

and

"You can come eat dinner with us if you like...We only have four steaks, but if you don't mind having a dinner of just sides, you can certainly come over."


*eyeroll*

No thanks.
I have a first class ticket to Hyrule this weekend. My friend Link called and said that Zelda was having a party -_-

Oct 10, 2013

Putting It All Out In the Open... :/

I recently went through a pretty tough break up. I was with this guy for about a little over a year and half of my life and that's not something to laugh at with me. Typically I ensure that I do not give any man my time, efforts, or heart unless I can see potential for us. So, obviously, I haven't had any serious relationships prior to this due to my extreme screening. In a way I felt a bit silly. I gave this guy so much of me and he ended up disrespecting it in the ultimate way.
Infidelity.
It's an ugly word. A hurtful action. It's destructive to relationships and each individual it may affect.
It hurts that it's over but I'm relieved that I won't have to deal with that anymore from him.
Kind of a bittersweet type of feeling...

Day by day though...It's getting better.

Last night I gave him his things back and the finality of that action really cut deep. To hand someone over things that you once took comfort in...to rid your life of little items that put little smiles on your face...to see how bare a place can look without certain things.
It makes me think of how important he was to me.
But he made me walk away and there's nothing else I can do about the situation.

God wants me to move on, to heal, and that's what I'm striving to do.