Dec 27, 2013

Walking

One thing I can say for certain when it comes to healing  is that people will never fail to throw dirt on the process. Whether it be knowingly or on accident, others will say or do things that will cause you to immediately pause.
Provoking your hurt or anger, constantly bringing a specific painful situation up, or even just wanting to talk about a subject that makes you uneasy. Everyone isnt respectful enough to back off, and some believe it's their right to know all the details, even if you tell them that you don't want to share.

In these moments I have found that keeping things short, and sometimes even walking away is the best thing to do.
If a person can 't respect your boundaries, then you do not have to remain in their presence.
If they can't (or simply refuse) to see the damage their causing, then it's up to you to cut that short.

I guess it's really simple.
When we're moving forward, WE are moving forward on our OWN.
You have to ensure that you and God can do this together, because everyone isn't going to be willing to listen, understand, or care.

So that's who I've been leaning on.
It's been me and God, and I'm totally ok with that right now.

Oct 22, 2013

Acknowledging My Mistakes

Why am I trying to fool myself.
I've done what I said I wasn't going to do (talk to my ex) and each conversation is tense as hell.
Throughout text, IM's, and on the phone...it's just so tense.
There's this sense of hostility that I feel between us, and I'm not sure if it's from him or what. What I do know is that it vexes my spirit and immediately upsets me. A mixture of anger, hurt, and confusion pierces my heart whenever I speak to him.
Feeling that way makes me believe that he's doing something he isn't doing, but I don't know if that's really the case. Other than straight out asking him, I wouldn't have a way of knowing whether or not he's back at it.
The biggest emotion mixed within all of the others is the disappointment. I'm disappointed in him for what he did, for breaking my heart into even smaller pieces.
Above that I'm really disappointed in myself for allowing him to still mean as much as he does to me. This hasn't been pleasant, so why am I still concerned? Why am I still giving him chances to get to me...?

Idk.
Makes me feel pretty stupid if I were to tell the truth.

And that makes me pissed off because I recognize who it is that should feel stupid, lowly, and crappy. He's the reason why this happened, but it doesn't come off like he cares...and I think that makes me even more angry.
Knowing that he tore this all down and could care less. The audacity of that behavior.
The nerve to have that type of attitude.

At this moment I'm praying that he is shown the demolition in the wake of his actions. Sometimes people don't realize how hurtful they are until they feel that hurt.
I don't wish bad on him, but I do hope the Lord places it on his heart that he has made many peoples hearts grieve.

Oct 17, 2013

Rough Moment

Every time I log onto my email I have to resist logging onto my ex's account as well. That's been a struggle for awhile seeing that I felt it was necessary to check on what he was doing every hour on the hour. While together I did it often until I realized that it wasn't healthy. For the most part I was beyond successful, only logging on when he knew about it.

My instinct to look and see if he's been cheating is still heavy...and we're not even together. The amount of mistrust I have for him was and still is beyond outrageous...clearly.

I'm gonna fight this with all that I have because I hate feeling this way.

The need to look is so strong it's dang near controlling...almost compulsive. As if I can't relax until I see for myself that everything is the way it should be.

God, I don't want these feelings.

Please, take this away.

Pearls Before Swine

Last night was tough. Before work was over I was holding back tears, waiting to make it to my car. Before I even closed the door, the tears came. In an effort to release some of my feelings I called my ex to express to him how I felt about everything as far as us attempting to still be friends...and as relieving as that was, I was still upset. Of course, being friendless meant that there was no one else to talk to, but I called a woman from church who has always been extremely kind to me. We met up at church and I let go of a lot of confusion. I told her about feeling so alone and not knowing how to deal with that constant pain and awareness of loneliness. She said to me:

A diamond does not need to be surrounded by other gems.
You will rarely see someone set a diamond with other gems because a diamond can stand out on it's own. They're brilliant, they're enough, and they speak for themselves.

She compared me to a diamond saying that being surrounded by anything less than would not be beneficial to me. I look at who I had attempted to hang with, date, and befriend...and I see what she meant. Almost every one of them were into things that would cause me to compromise and step outside of myself...and that's not what God wants from me.
He made me how He did for a reason. There is purpose behind my being.
At this moment He has me where I need to be, as difficult as that is to accept.

I hate being lonely, not having a friend to go to, or do things with.
It really sucks.

He has a plan though. I don't know what it is, but I know that I can trust Him.
That's what I'm going to have to start doing.

Don't Let Grief Settle In

If I were to be absolutely honest, I have been grieving over the loss of numerous aspects in my life. Most recently, a friendship. When we're close to someone we expect to have them around, playing their position, being there through it all for it all. The hole that is created when, for whatever reason, they are removed from our lives can cause unthinkable pain. Right now, and for a little while now, I have been battling to regain my happiness after going through a very deep cutting loss. On my way home tonight a song came on, I thought of how things used to be, and before I knew it, I was trying to cry and drive. After pulling into the garage I couldn't even bring myself to get out of the car I felt so overwhelmed. Eventually I drug myself into the house, up the stairs, and right onto the couch preparing to stay the rest of my night there. While attempting to comfort me, my Ma said "I know this hurts, but think of all the good that will come. Think of all that you already do have."
And of course, me being true to my character, a relating biblical story came to mind.

  After learning the news that his son Joseph was dead from his others sons, Jacob completely broke down. He went into full mourning tearing his clothes and refusing to be comforted by anyone. In fact, he felt his grief was so heavy that he would mourn every single day for the rest of his life, right up to his dying day.
Jacob mourned for Joseph, thinking it was the end of all ends.
“And Jacob rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his loins, and mourned for his son many days;he refused to be comforted; and he said, For I will go down into the grave unto my son mourning. Thus his father wept for him” (Genesis 37:34-45).
 Even though he had over twelve other sons and at least one daughter, Jacob felt as if his life wasn't worth living anymore. He dismissed every thing he knew, stepping outside of what he knew about God, and gave up.
What he didn't know was that Joseph wasn't dead, but was actually in Egypt where the Lord was orchestrating a miracle beyond his comprehension!
Like Jacob, I discounted my many other blessings by allowing my pain to swallow my joy.
Instead of taking people up on their offers to go out, I made the choice to sit in my room alone, looking a mess.
Wallowing in my own misery.

   Looking at the story of Jacob and Joseph reminds me of how I should NOT react, but I still saw a lot of myself in his actions. When we're grieving, even when we can't see good in the future, we can't be like Jacob refusing to be comforted. We have to take comfort in knowing that God is working behind the scenes, because although we can't always see Him work, we KNOW we serve the ultimate Director! He sees not only the entire picture at our time of mourning, but He also sees the ending of each of our stories. He sees the goodness that is coming in the morning.

   From Jacobs account, we know that even through heartbreak, God is working for our good as well as His glory. While it's ok to be sad for awhile through your healing process, do not allow yourself to seep into a pit of sadness, writing off the beautiful joy filled opportunities around you.
Joy arrives in the morning :)

In Christ,
Allie J.

Oct 14, 2013

God is Faithful

Let's just say that in a moment of weakness I may or may not have spoken to a person I shouldn't have been talking to.
In fact, in my loneliness, I had talked myself into hanging out with them tomorrow.
Though I knew it wasn't the best idea and probably would set me back, I was still gonna do it.
But God...He surely knows how to capture your attention.

While on FB someone messaged me and it turned out to be a very refreshing convo...I mean, it was lighthearted and warm. Nothing serious or over the top. Just real.
I'm not going to read into the persons intent because that isn't the important thing right now. What's important is how that conversation made me feel! I felt as if they were interested in what I had to say and wanted to talk to me.
I didn't feel as if I were bugging them or prying information from their lips.
They willingly gave. Freely, unselfishly, happily.

As silly as it may sound, that felt so amazing.
It made me feel cared for.
Like I said before, I doubt that was their intention, but that's what resulted.

Him allowing me to have that type of encounter let me know that I did not need to turn back to what I left. He would provide what I needed when the time that I needed it arrived.
He showed me that I'm worth more and that He isn't the only one who believes so.

The conversation wasn't about my looks, or really even about me at all, but it helped me see me better in this tempting time.

I don't need anything that's going to tear me down...
I don't need to look back or I may fall.


No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1Cor10:13

Oct 13, 2013

Cut It Out

There is no way you can instantly expect for the person who hurt you to wake up one morning soon after and not be hurtful. Selfish ways, hurtful ways...they remain there regardless of what the person says.
It's a lesson you would swear I never learned before.

Gotta stop putting myself in his line of fire.

Oct 11, 2013

Day 2

It's the second day after giving my ex his things back.
Are things better? Yes and no.
I feel better knowing that I won't be done wrong by him again, but this feeling of lonliness is pretty strong. He didn't create it. He simply revealed it when we split.
*sigh* It's Friday and I have nothing to do tonight...absolutely nothing.
People expect for their invitations to "come along" to instantly brighten up your day, and though they are nice, ehh...no thanks. I think most could agree that hanging out with someone and their family is no where near the same as hanging out with someone in the same life phase as you. Going to the movies with your family is different than going to the movies with your friends. And they both differ greatly from going to the movies with a significant other.
Don't understand why people seem to suddenly forget that when they offer...or maybe they aren't forgetting and are simply attempting to make you feel better.
I don't know.
I don't like it though.
You can't really expect a penny to fulfill what a quarter used to.

(Not to say that any of these oh so generous people are pennies...)

It's more so that relationships are different depending on the type and it's getting to be annoying when folks are trying to stuff anything they have in their back pockets in this now empty spot.

It's almost like "Awww...that's so sad! We had three tickets to this show, but if you don't mind sitting between someones legs, we'd be happy to have you join us."

and

"You can come eat dinner with us if you like...We only have four steaks, but if you don't mind having a dinner of just sides, you can certainly come over."


*eyeroll*

No thanks.
I have a first class ticket to Hyrule this weekend. My friend Link called and said that Zelda was having a party -_-

Oct 10, 2013

Putting It All Out In the Open... :/

I recently went through a pretty tough break up. I was with this guy for about a little over a year and half of my life and that's not something to laugh at with me. Typically I ensure that I do not give any man my time, efforts, or heart unless I can see potential for us. So, obviously, I haven't had any serious relationships prior to this due to my extreme screening. In a way I felt a bit silly. I gave this guy so much of me and he ended up disrespecting it in the ultimate way.
Infidelity.
It's an ugly word. A hurtful action. It's destructive to relationships and each individual it may affect.
It hurts that it's over but I'm relieved that I won't have to deal with that anymore from him.
Kind of a bittersweet type of feeling...

Day by day though...It's getting better.

Last night I gave him his things back and the finality of that action really cut deep. To hand someone over things that you once took comfort in...to rid your life of little items that put little smiles on your face...to see how bare a place can look without certain things.
It makes me think of how important he was to me.
But he made me walk away and there's nothing else I can do about the situation.

God wants me to move on, to heal, and that's what I'm striving to do.

Sep 17, 2013

There are not many years of life under my belt, but the Lord has granted me numerous opportunities to gain experience. I've been where many have not, gone through what many couldn't imagine, and conquered feats that some twice my age have yet to even consider. The woman I am is the woman God molded me to be. He has given me knowledge, wisdom, experience, His Word, and a heart that breaks for this world for a reason. It's senseless to wait until I am "qualified" to a few, before I stand up to make a difference.
He's given me my gifts and I fully intend to use.

Sep 16, 2013

You know what I hate?
Feeling torn.

I've been in a position that has caused me to compromise and fall into a pit of unhappiness.
Then something comes along to show me what I could have if I just let go of what's holding me back...
And I love the idea of it.

It's immature to move based on emotions alone. This is something I need to pray about.

There's no reason for someone else to stick with me like this.

If You Come Softly



If you come as softly
As the wind within the trees
You may hear what I hear
See what sorrow sees.

If you come as lightly
As threading dew
I will take you gladly
Nor ask more of you.

You may sit beside me
Silent as a breath
Only those who stay dead
Shall remember death.

And if you come I will be silent
Nor speak harsh words to you.
I will not ask you why now.
Or how, or what you do.

We shall sit here, softly
Beneath two different years
And the rich between us
Shall drink our tears.


Audre Lorde

"If Gangsta's Don't Dance, Why You Tapping With the Devil"

When standing in a certain position you can try to look back on your life to see when you stepped off the correct path, but honestly, I didn't care to go over the details. The nub and gist was that I allowed myself to make a Lot move for my personal comfort. Abram lived in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities of the plain and pitched his tents near Sodom (Gen13:12) Lot chose a location that held the promise of prosperity, though he was fully aware of the nearby Sodom's evil reputation. He completely underestimated the power sin can have when you have weak faith. After being sinned against, I walked away seeking comfort. Didn't care from who or in what form, but I knew I wanted it right away. My first step to a "new life" was placing myself in a position that looked promising for immediate results. Sadly, it was riddled with an evil reputation. Clearly, I underestimated sin, and I underestimated my vulnerability. I was weak in my faith in that moment, seeking something to replace what I'd lost, and almost knowingly exposed myself to corruption. In my mind the fact that I could see the sin and knew I wasn't participating, made me believe I was doing a pretty darn good job of evading it. We've all been there. We flirt with temptation, having no intentions of ever participating in the sin that comes with it. Some just want a way to feel better instantaneously. Some have a desire of personal notoriety. No matter our reason or intention, we roll up to temptation thinking we're invincible. Next thing we know though, we've moved closer than ever before, and now we find ourselves being run by temptation to the point of being desensitized to certain sins. When our hearts can easily take the weight of sin, our faith becomes weakened. And when our faith is weak...we give in. Attempting to find comfort outside of the Father will lead you stumbling down a dark road. Attempting to "live" near sin by going to places we know we shouldn't be, going along with what we know we shouldn't do, and allowing ourselves to get buddied up with the distasteful will bring us down. Lot ignored what he knew Sodom was about, yet he eventually moved within the city walls, which ended up exposing his entire family to corruption, and later led to his wife's death. Let's not make that mistake by understanding that we must move away from sin no matter how enticing it may be. God knows what we're faced with and has given us the tools we need: His strength His power His Word It all comes down to us making the right first step... In Christ, Allie J.

Sep 12, 2013

Exodus 14 Devotional: We Are NEVER Alone

For awhile now I have been struggling with the feeling of aloneness. Following a tragic incident in life, fear filled my heart and God slowly began to seem distant. Through it all, I have hung on to Him, even on days when I’m discouraged. The other day was one of those days. Yet in the darkness of that day, the story of the Israelites’ escape from slavery in Egypt brought me so much hope and comfort. After years of captivity in slavery, Pharaoh finally agreed to let them go, but soon after they left he changed his mind. He got together the best of his best and pursued them. The Israelites heard the rumbling of the chariots behind them and they saw the sea blocking their way. This terrified them, causing them to cry out to Moses! He reassured them by reminding them of God’s promise that they would be delivered. As reassuring as that promise should have been, the Israelites still cried out because their circumstance had DOUBT written all over it. They allowed their situation to outweigh the promise of God so they were too blinded by what they could physically see, to see the miraculous. The Lord’s pillars of cloud and fires (both of which had always been there) moved into position behind God’s people. The pillar of cloud brought darkness to the Egyptians and light to the Israelites! Then God turned the sea into dry land, providing them a way, out of what they assumed was a situation with no positive outcome. God worked through the night. He worked throughout the darkness on behalf of His people. It reminded me that He is doing the same for me. In dark times we can make one or two choices. We can take things into our own hands, attempt to work through them with our own limited thinking...or we can look to God. “I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5) Mama said there’ll be days like this, but my Holy Father says that He’s got it! In Christ, Allie J.

Apr 17, 2013

Man Cuts Both Arms With Saws at Home Depot | Video - ABC News

This is extremely sick. Of course, I don't know what exactly drove him to do this, but it had to be something serious. Whether just a way to gain attention, a mental disorder, or even to make a statement about a cause he is for. Whatever the reason, I'm sure it was a very traumatizing time for him and the customers who witnessed it.

Below is the link for more information.

Man Cuts Both Arms With Saws at Home Depot | Video - ABC News

Apr 5, 2013

Fal$e Teacher$

Shai Linne's newest single "Fal$e Teacher$" puts a few problems and popular Christian leaders on blast calling them heretics. After listening I must say that there were some people that I hands down agree with him on. What's your take on the song and the message it brings?

Feb 5, 2013

Esther

Months ago my Pastor told me to read the book of Esther because he saw a lot of me in that story. That same night I read it just like I have before and it went right over my head. Now, going back and truly studying the significance/meaning of that book, I've begun to see a lot of things differently. In that book the name of God is not once mentioned, but His presence is made evident all throughout. When things went awry God was at work behind the scenes ensuring that everything was set up just how He wanted. He was there in the hard times, through times where it was tough to be faithful and obedient, and all the while was making way for victory. Even when we don't understand why things are the way that they are, He has a plan. Our lives can be all over the place, people can be attempting to make life hell, but no matter what...our God is still God! He is and will forever be sovereign. So far, that’s one of the bigger understandings I’ve gotten…this will indeed continue to be a journey. In Christ, Allie J.

Jan 28, 2013

God’s Purpose For Marriage

How can you learn unconditional love through your marriage if you’re married to a woman who meets all your conditions? How can you learn mercy if you’re married to a person who never fails? How can you learn to be a man of grace if you’re married to a wife who never falters?
Paul Washer

Jan 5, 2013

I'm finding that building trust is one of the toughest things to be done.

Through prayer I've been attempting to listen for ways to mend some tears in relationships. It's been very hard, and when doubts arise, it becomes even more difficult.

There aren't many options. Not many questions to ask.
The answers are looking me square in the face and I swear I'm having the toughest time seeing which is right.